I Had to Lose Myself to Find Myself Again

I've always seen myself as someone with a good sense of self-awareness, probably because I've been in places that not only fostered it but also allowed me to express who I am, and that's wonderful. I know who my friends are, what I want to do, and where I want to be. Why would I want more than that? But we're human beings, tempted by opportunities to improve our status, finances, or anything we can take advantage of.

Then came the magical opportunity: I was going to live abroad. What could possibly go wrong? I made my plan, outlined my goals, and followed my steps diligently, as I always did. There seemed to be no room for error, considering I even had a plan B—I prided myself on being so astute. But then, as I embarked on this plan, something changed—not the plan, but me. What was happening? Were new emotions emerging, or perhaps a fusion of past feelings resulting in a new sensation? I even found myself questioning what I really wanted to do. I looked for references, but the faces seemed unfamiliar. I realized I was no longer within my familiar haven.

I lost my landmarks, the simple things like recognizing my neighbor or the friendly clerk at the local grocery store. Streets now had names I struggled to pronounce correctly. These people were strangers to me, just as I was to them. Could I trust them? They said “Yes,” so I took the leap and discovered that some of these positive responses came from open, loving hearts, while others were opportunists exploiting my vulnerability. Starting over resulted in outcomes far different from what I had imagined in my “perfect plan,” and even my plan B didn’t live up to my expectations. Some things fit, but others didn’t, and suddenly I found myself not only losing my familiar landmarks, but also losing touch with the person I used to be, struggling to recognize the new identity that was emerging within me.

Today, I understand that self-awareness is not a fixed state; it is an ongoing, vibrant process that requires me to remain open to understanding who I am, who I used to be, and who I am becoming. I had to lose myself to discover my strengths, challenge my ability to overcome obstacles, and embrace the reality that change is constant. Now, I am a mix of old and new, comfort and discomfort, the girl I was and the woman I am becoming.